It has been awhile since I’ve actually posted an entry. Time has seemed to have gotten away from me, and before I know it, it’s almost the end of September already. I tried out for a position at work and didn’t get it, but it’s alright, because everyone else always comes to me in the office to help them, so maybe next time I’ll get it.

I should also mention that I’ve lost about 40 pounds as well, and have a kitty now too! She’s a handful, but I love her! Dan isn’t too happy about her since I just brought her home without him knowing until he got home, but I think he’s getting used to the idea of having her around. I’ve always wanted another Siamese cat since I had Freddie, but they are so expensive to adopt (usually around 120-200 dollars). Ironically my mom found her on Craigslist, and the woman who had her couldn’t afford to feed her anymore. She was pretty upset that she was giving her up, but I’m glad that I found her and got her. Look at the pictures!

All comfy :) Awwww :)

Anyway, it’s getting kind of late, so I better head to bed! NIGHT!

The Struggle

I feel like I am inadequate as a person and as a woman to exist in this world. I constantly think about ending my life and then the pain would be gone and how much better off everyone else would be without me. I feel like the people who should be supporting me the most and helping me, are the ones who are hurting me the most and driving me further.

I have never had a panic attack in my entire life, and I’ve had two, in the last four days. How sad is that? That I can’t even control my own body, can’t even get myself turned on enough to enjoy sex, to laugh, smile, to want to wake up every morning and feel like it’s a good day.

I constantly struggle for approval from the only person I think it’s necessary from, and when I feel like I do something wrong, or that I’m a disappointment, I go into dark hole wishing I could make the pain and hurt stop. I feel like our relationship isn’t normal, and can never be normal because we are both sick and both of us need to address the issues we are having.

I get upset at stupid stuff like going to Michigan and wanting to go to the zoo and then realizing I can’t afford too. Yeah I’m upset, but it’s not because of the money, but because every once in awhile, I want someone to take care of me, take me out someplace different and fun, something that I would enjoy, like the zoo. I feel like the worst person alive, that I feel like the last two years have been a lie, from the one person who matters the most…

When we get into fights and they get bad to the point where he wants to leave and then turns to me and tells me there’s something wrong with me. I hurt even now thinking about it, because no matter what anyone says, no matter what that person says, or what they do after that moment, it can’t be taken back, it stays with you forever. Silently begging you to end your miserable life and allow everyone else to at least be free of you to be happy. Isn’t that what they really want; to be free of you? They say they love you and would be torn up if something happened to you, but in reality, that’s exactly what they want. They want you gone; dead. Away from them so they can be free.

Birth Control and Side Effects

I have been on many different birth controls (mostly hormonal) and have always had negative effects with them and am still looking for that one that works with me best.

Want me to prove it? I have been on:
Jolivette (same as Errin)
Copper IUD

And with each one of these, I have some sort of different level of side effects, some of them ranging from mild, some ranging from completely severe. The top side effects that I can’t and will not stand for: Fatigue, the dreaded fatigue where you can’t even function that requires the doctor to give you Ritalin or adder all to counteract the effects. No sex drive! What is the point of birth control if you do not want to have sex? The mood swings, because no one likes to go all “Norman Bates” on everyone every single waking second of every day. And finally the last side effect: weight gain. During the transition from the combination pill to the IUD, I gained 20 pounds.

Let you tell you exactly how long the transition was: 3 days. I gained 20 pounds in 3 days. I couldn’t use the rest room, I would eat and eat, and eat. I probably could have eaten an elephant and no one would know, except I would have gained about 600 pounds in the process.

My body is one of “those” super-sensitive bodies, that doesn’t like anything foreign in it and when it finds something it’ll make you sicker than a dog. Whenever I switch from birth controls, the first 2-3 weeks are the worst, I am SICK, for about 3-4 hours afterwards, I can’t sleep, eat, drink else I’ll get sick.

My body actually tried expelling the IUD after I started having SEVERE pain, which my doctor, and the OBGYN deemed “normal” and that I hadn’t given it enough time yet. I had gone in on a Friday, and Monday morning, I was blowing up their phone’s complaining that something was wrong.

Finally after seeing my normal doctor and having an x-ray done, they stated the IUD was in the correct location. I didn’t believe the and thought there was something still wrong, so I kept calling the OBGYN until they finally got me in to do a ultrasound. And about 20 minutes of TRUE pain that I have NEVER experienced before, sure enough, they confirmed that I had been complaining about and what the other doctors had not told me. My IUD was FORCING itself out of my body and needed to be removed.

Then came the real problems, they gave me micronor (a progestin-only birth control) because I am hypersentivie to estrogen/combination birth controls. The first couple months were great, then slowly my health started declining, I went up to 200 pounds in my weight; bring my weight gain to a total of 25 pounds.

I have since lost that 25 pounds, bringing my weight back down to 173, but it’s extremely hard, when the birth control is making my body working against me. I have a list from my insurance company, Cigna, of generics that is covered 100% by them under the Home Pharmacy option that I am actually going through websites and putting together a comprehensive list of information regarding them.

I honestly think it’s about time I was actually informed about my choices instead of just switching to whatever the doctor thought was best. When I am done, I will be sure to share that list with the world, so that you may take that information that I have collected and the research that I have put together and put it to good use.

What to do?

I think the moment that I have been dreading is about to happen. Dan’s mom I think is going to ask about his brother moving down with us and staying here. While I’m not 100% opposed to it because it would help us out financially at least, but I’m worried about us simply for the fact that we have been fighting so much lately and I’m not sure if we can survive something like that when we have started to get past everything.

I’m worried and scared but I have to think about it. And think about if we do this, we will have no privacy (which is hard enough as it is), but then what about us together. How will that affect us? Will we fight more? Will it ultimately put too much pressure on us and to the point where we just both give up? What should I do?

Some Great Things

There are some great things in works for both this website and my other websites. This site has been and will continue to be my blog rather than a twenty-something-in-one website.

Pretty Senshi will be a screen shot website of anime and some tv shows to be used in designs for personal use.

Until Morning will be for my story, titled Until Morning and possibily later on to house all of my writings.

Soul Echo will be a content domain with graphics and designs for wordpress.

Please keep an eye out for those, and don’t miss the new Hate Your Way design coming soon.

Its Been Awhile

when you know the depths of depression; you know there is never a cure, only a tipping scale balancing on the edges of light and complete utter darkness. It has been and will always be a constant struggle and reminder the pain that you carry around will forever be there. And all you want is someone to hold you, and tell you that everything will be okay, that it’ll stop hurting eventually…

It Feels Like

It feels like ages since I’ve been on here to actually write something worthwhile and it of course has been. A lot of things are happening lately, especially money wise. It’s been tough financially this past month and it’ll probably get a lot harder before it gets better.

I’m really glad now that I got this new job with the pay raise; otherwise I don’t know what Dan and I would have done. Needless to say…it started with my car. My poor car has seen enough and I started having problems with the transmission (originally it was thought to be a wheel bearing from the noise it was making) and I stopped driving it in August.

There was mostly definitely something wrong with my transmission; the bearing in the most inner case was shredded. Luckily, however, we didn’t damage anything by continuing to drive it; otherwise it would have cost a lot more than it did. $1,300 later…. It’s in the process of being fixed and should be fixed tomorrow (hopefully).

The second thing was that Dan and I broke down and bought a new bed…we had no choice in this matter; we simply needed it at this point. We were sleeping on a futon and it was so broken down neither one of us was getting any sleep. We couldn’t function and we were constantly jumping down each other’s throats because we were tired.

The new bed is a lot nicer, but it’s added $1,300 with the total now up to: $2,600. And it doesn’t even stop there. I just got the gas turned on so we would have heat before it got extremely cold, and that was $150 deposit :(. Then the discovery that one of our furnaces stopped working :mad:. Knowing that we had to fix the furnace there was really no alternative than to pay to have someone come out and take a look at it. $340 dollars later….our furnace is hopefully fixed. I haven’t been home yet to see if it’s working. They had to buy a new circuit board for it because the original one had a several shorts, AND we had missed the warranty by a few months. If only we had known, it would have been free. But isn’t that how it normally is?

Now the grand total so far is: $3,090 in the past month that we have shelled out in loans and cash. Not to mention on top of our normal bills. Isn’t it funny how I thought I was getting back on track money wise; paying some of my old bills and paying my cards down, and shit like this happens? In this world; you always get screwed.

But we’ll make it. We always do, we’ll have to budget. I know the bed is due next week (the first payment), and I’m not entirely sure how I plan on paying my phone bill because my parents are still expecting rent as well so I think I’ll pay half of my phone bill next week, the bed payment, and half of the rent money which will take about $300 of my paycheck.

Once I get that taken care of, then I’ll pay the water softner, my car repair bill, the other half of my phone and the other half of rent. Then the following week I will pay on my laptop, take half of rent out, pay part of my phone and just dish as much money out as possible that will pay the bills.

It sucks but we’ll get through it…eventually.

Here for another year!

You read that correct! As of yesterday, HYW has been officially renewed!

In case you were not aware, I’ve had this domain off and on for awhile now. I originally had it for about 5-6 years before letting it expire, it was bought by another individual and I lost it =(; eventually though they let it lapse, and I grabbed it up again last year. It’s hard to believe an year has already gone by.