The Struggle

I feel like I am inadequate as a person and as a woman to exist in this world. I constantly think about ending my life and then the pain would be gone and how much better off everyone else would be without me. I feel like the people who should be supporting me the most and helping me, are the ones who are hurting me the most and driving me further.

I have never had a panic attack in my entire life, and I’ve had two, in the last four days. How sad is that? That I can’t even control my own body, can’t even get myself turned on enough to enjoy sex, to laugh, smile, to want to wake up every morning and feel like it’s a good day.

I constantly struggle for approval from the only person I think it’s necessary from, and when I feel like I do something wrong, or that I’m a disappointment, I go into dark hole wishing I could make the pain and hurt stop. I feel like our relationship isn’t normal, and can never be normal because we are both sick and both of us need to address the issues we are having.

I get upset at stupid stuff like going to Michigan and wanting to go to the zoo and then realizing I can’t afford too. Yeah I’m upset, but it’s not because of the money, but because every once in awhile, I want someone to take care of me, take me out someplace different and fun, something that I would enjoy, like the zoo. I feel like the worst person alive, that I feel like the last two years have been a lie, from the one person who matters the most…

When we get into fights and they get bad to the point where he wants to leave and then turns to me and tells me there’s something wrong with me. I hurt even now thinking about it, because no matter what anyone says, no matter what that person says, or what they do after that moment, it can’t be taken back, it stays with you forever. Silently begging you to end your miserable life and allow everyone else to at least be free of you to be happy. Isn’t that what they really want; to be free of you? They say they love you and would be torn up if something happened to you, but in reality, that’s exactly what they want. They want you gone; dead. Away from them so they can be free.

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