Hello old friend

Where do I even start? It’s been over two years since I actually blogged about anything in particular. A lot has happened….mostly with the fact that Dan lost his job, then found out he had a degenerative disk disease. He turned around and left me alone for several months to deal with my mom’s death on my own. I poured myself into getting things and decorating for Christmas.

Started a new job last September working for a company called Covance. Ended my relationship with Dan last fall as well (October/November).  Had two surgeries this year (tonsils and sinus). Was diagnosis with mild narcolepsy. Gone out on a couple of dates…nothing panned out. Sleeping mostly, trying to get through day to day. And now you’ve been caught up on my life.

The day that changed it all

May 25th, 2014
I got up that day, excited to be having pizza and was worried about my puppy because she had been limping really badly. I tried to call you several times, and there wasn’t any answer. I called dad instead to see if he had spoke with you, but he didn’t answer. He called back several hours later stating he was leaving work and that you were probably asleep. He said he was going to bring you down early to look at Anabelle’s back legs. Dad called me back at 1:57p, telling me that him and Mom wouldn’t be coming over. Mom had fallen and the ambulance was on the way. I should have gone down there, I should have knew there was something wrong when you didn’t answer.

I called everyone, to let them know what’s going on. Went up to the hospital and sat with you in the ER. You were in so much pain, and crying out for relief. You were having trouble breathing, and eventually they took you for tests. They discovered that you had broken 3 ribs and punctured a lung. They stated they weren’t capable to treating the kind of trauma that you had and wanted to transfer you. They wanted to intubate you, to keep your lung from collapsing completely (as it had partially already). They sedated you and gave you pain medication for the ribs before transporting you to IU Methodist.

Dad and I followed behind the ambulance, and we waited for more news. They ran more tests’ (x-ray’s, MRIs, etc) to see what the damage was. I’m sorry mom… I wish it could have been different. They kept you sedated because you wouldn’t be able to breath deeply enough on your own while in pain. We left and came back home, since there wasn’t anything that we could do.

May 26th, 2014
Dad and I went back up to the hospital, and were told there wasn’t any change. It wasn’t worse, but it wasn’t better. You were slightly awake, and could only answer yes or no question’s because of the tubes. We discussed with the hospital about your DNR order. They stated it was already too late for the intubation, and we discussed if your heart stopped, that was it. We didn’t think we’d have to ever use it, and i’m sorry. We left shortly, because they were keeping you sedated still and you were falling asleep.

May 27th, 2014
I had to work today. I volunteered before so that I could get July 3rd off instead. I should have told them I couldn’t work. Dad called me, early evening to let me know that he thought this was it, that you had seemed to be doing a little worse, but they were still optimistic, and were wanting to take you off the ventilator later this week. I should have gone to see you, and I’m sorry that I didn’t. It tears me up, realizing now that I only had one more day with you. I emailed my boss after talking with dad, to let them know what was going on. I asked dad if I should go up, but mom was sedated.

May 28th, 2014
I was sleeping when I got the call. Dad called me at 8:33am, and we talked for 3 minutes and 17 seconds. He told me that this was it, the machine was keeping you alive, and dad knew that wasn’t what you were wanting. Your oxygen was up to 60% on the ventilator, and it should have only been on 20-30% according to your doctor. Dad told me to go get Amber and Rylee, that today was the date.

I went over and woke Amber up, got her and Rylee dressed, and Amber called Nana and Papaw to let them know. Soon everyone knew that this was it. We rushed up to the hospital, to find out that there was blood in your urine, and that you had a fever; a possible infection. The hospital wanted to do more tests, and pull the tubes out, because they also found bruising on your lung. They wanted to put a trach in, and you shook your head no.

Doctor: We can put a trach in, to assist with her breathing.
You: *shakes head and mouths no*
Doctor: You realize if we take the tubes out, that you won’t be able to breathe on your own and that you will die, right?
You: *nods head*
Doctor: Is that what you want? For us to take you off the ventilator?
You: *nods head*

The doctor spoke with Dad again, letting him know that they want make you comfortable until it was time. We came up to the hospital quickly. They had already given you morphine and an anxiety medication, to help keep you calm when you were removed from the machine. We cried…a lot. We didn’t want this to be the end, it was too soon. Too unexpected. Dad was/is devastated that he had to make this choice. The chest tube was only pulling out blood, and they had shut it off. There wasn’t anything else they could do except make you comfortable and help ease it. We continue crying, you still know we are there. You know we love you… Dad says it’s time. I got the nurse, and he came in, telling us what to expect. He told us, that the anxiety medication will help keep you from getting worked up (because you can’t breathe and are choking on the phem that you are unable to cough up), and the morphine, so that you don’t feel the broken ribs. He said once the tube’s come out, it could be a matter of minutes, or days, weeks. He didn’t know. He said that you wouldn’t be able to get a deep breathe like you needed to function, and as your breathing decreased, your heart would start slowing down, and eventually your heart would stop.

The doctor came in, and pulled out the tubes. You gasped for air, and we cried…hard. This couldn’t be it. I had just seen you on Saturday, you had spent time with me and Rylee after we had gone to the zoo. You, dad, Rylee and I went out to dinner, and we were excited for pizza tomorrow. We watched you…we watched the monitor, as we saw your breathing go down, until it didn’t register on the machine.

The nurse came in, and turned it off, and we knew, that you had passed away, but you weren’t in pain anymore.

———–

It has felt like an eternity since you passed, even though it was only Wednesday. So much has happened in such a little amount of time. Amber and I lost you. Rylee lost you. Dad lost you. The world lost you. Everything was looking up, and I feel like it’s my fault. I should have gone down. Dad blames himself too. I try to tell them, that it isn’t his fault. He, or someone else could have been there, and it could have happened in a matter of seconds. Seconds that he was outside feeding the horses.

Dad is lost without you. He doesn’t know what to do. He’s gone from caring for you for 6 years, and having 2 jobs, to losing you, and going to one job. It isn’t fair that when everything was looking up, that this should happen, but haven’t we all learned the hard way, that life isn’t fair?

We are trying to get through, and we know that we’ll never stop missing you. Never stop having moments where it’s too unbearable. You were constantly in our lives, and then gone in an instant. I know that nothing can ever bring you back, nothing can ever take the pain away. I need Dad, as dad needs Amber and I. We are all that we have left, and we’ll make the most of it, and do some things that you’ve always wanted to do, but weren’t able too. We’ll share that love, that passion, and those memories for you.

Rest in Peace, Mom.
Marcella Y. Riffey
8/28/59 – 05/28/14

Life

It has been awhile since I’ve actually posted an entry. Time has seemed to have gotten away from me, and before I know it, it’s almost the end of September already. I tried out for a position at work and didn’t get it, but it’s alright, because everyone else always comes to me in the office to help them, so maybe next time I’ll get it.

I should also mention that I’ve lost about 40 pounds as well, and have a kitty now too! She’s a handful, but I love her! Dan isn’t too happy about her since I just brought her home without him knowing until he got home, but I think he’s getting used to the idea of having her around. I’ve always wanted another Siamese cat since I had Freddie, but they are so expensive to adopt (usually around 120-200 dollars). Ironically my mom found her on Craigslist, and the woman who had her couldn’t afford to feed her anymore. She was pretty upset that she was giving her up, but I’m glad that I found her and got her. Look at the pictures!

All comfy :) Awwww :)

Anyway, it’s getting kind of late, so I better head to bed! NIGHT!

Changes to Come

There a lot of changes that are coming this way, including the ability to change themes in wordpress for the visitors, content and of course my blog.

I don’t want anyone to think that I’ve left because I’m still here! I have just been working extensively in the background trying to get everything together and all of the content updated and uploaded for visitors enjoyment. I have also added more past entries as well and am still working on getting the most revelant post collection of past entries from myself over several different websites into one central location (Web Archive). Check below for some upcoming themes!

yuna kelly tutorial

The Struggle

I feel like I am inadequate as a person and as a woman to exist in this world. I constantly think about ending my life and then the pain would be gone and how much better off everyone else would be without me. I feel like the people who should be supporting me the most and helping me, are the ones who are hurting me the most and driving me further.

I have never had a panic attack in my entire life, and I’ve had two, in the last four days. How sad is that? That I can’t even control my own body, can’t even get myself turned on enough to enjoy sex, to laugh, smile, to want to wake up every morning and feel like it’s a good day.

I constantly struggle for approval from the only person I think it’s necessary from, and when I feel like I do something wrong, or that I’m a disappointment, I go into dark hole wishing I could make the pain and hurt stop. I feel like our relationship isn’t normal, and can never be normal because we are both sick and both of us need to address the issues we are having.

I get upset at stupid stuff like going to Michigan and wanting to go to the zoo and then realizing I can’t afford too. Yeah I’m upset, but it’s not because of the money, but because every once in awhile, I want someone to take care of me, take me out someplace different and fun, something that I would enjoy, like the zoo. I feel like the worst person alive, that I feel like the last two years have been a lie, from the one person who matters the most…

When we get into fights and they get bad to the point where he wants to leave and then turns to me and tells me there’s something wrong with me. I hurt even now thinking about it, because no matter what anyone says, no matter what that person says, or what they do after that moment, it can’t be taken back, it stays with you forever. Silently begging you to end your miserable life and allow everyone else to at least be free of you to be happy. Isn’t that what they really want; to be free of you? They say they love you and would be torn up if something happened to you, but in reality, that’s exactly what they want. They want you gone; dead. Away from them so they can be free.

Birth Control and Side Effects

I have been on many different birth controls (mostly hormonal) and have always had negative effects with them and am still looking for that one that works with me best.

Want me to prove it? I have been on:
Tri-Sprintec
Microgestin
AZURETTE
ERRIN
Jolivette (same as Errin)
Copper IUD
Ocella

And with each one of these, I have some sort of different level of side effects, some of them ranging from mild, some ranging from completely severe. The top side effects that I can’t and will not stand for: Fatigue, the dreaded fatigue where you can’t even function that requires the doctor to give you Ritalin or adder all to counteract the effects. No sex drive! What is the point of birth control if you do not want to have sex? The mood swings, because no one likes to go all “Norman Bates” on everyone every single waking second of every day. And finally the last side effect: weight gain. During the transition from the combination pill to the IUD, I gained 20 pounds.

Let you tell you exactly how long the transition was: 3 days. I gained 20 pounds in 3 days. I couldn’t use the rest room, I would eat and eat, and eat. I probably could have eaten an elephant and no one would know, except I would have gained about 600 pounds in the process.

My body is one of “those” super-sensitive bodies, that doesn’t like anything foreign in it and when it finds something it’ll make you sicker than a dog. Whenever I switch from birth controls, the first 2-3 weeks are the worst, I am SICK, for about 3-4 hours afterwards, I can’t sleep, eat, drink else I’ll get sick.

My body actually tried expelling the IUD after I started having SEVERE pain, which my doctor, and the OBGYN deemed “normal” and that I hadn’t given it enough time yet. I had gone in on a Friday, and Monday morning, I was blowing up their phone’s complaining that something was wrong.

Finally after seeing my normal doctor and having an x-ray done, they stated the IUD was in the correct location. I didn’t believe the and thought there was something still wrong, so I kept calling the OBGYN until they finally got me in to do a ultrasound. And about 20 minutes of TRUE pain that I have NEVER experienced before, sure enough, they confirmed that I had been complaining about and what the other doctors had not told me. My IUD was FORCING itself out of my body and needed to be removed.

Then came the real problems, they gave me micronor (a progestin-only birth control) because I am hypersentivie to estrogen/combination birth controls. The first couple months were great, then slowly my health started declining, I went up to 200 pounds in my weight; bring my weight gain to a total of 25 pounds.

I have since lost that 25 pounds, bringing my weight back down to 173, but it’s extremely hard, when the birth control is making my body working against me. I have a list from my insurance company, Cigna, of generics that is covered 100% by them under the Home Pharmacy option that I am actually going through websites and putting together a comprehensive list of information regarding them.

I honestly think it’s about time I was actually informed about my choices instead of just switching to whatever the doctor thought was best. When I am done, I will be sure to share that list with the world, so that you may take that information that I have collected and the research that I have put together and put it to good use.