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dourNU Posts

Hello old friend

Where do I even start? It’s been over two years since I actually blogged about anything in particular. A lot has happened….mostly with the fact that Dan lost his job, then found out he had a degenerative disk disease. He turned around and left me alone for several months to deal with my mom’s death on my own. I poured myself into getting things and decorating for Christmas. Started a new job last September working for a company called Covance. Ended my relationship with Dan last fall as well (October/November).  Had two surgeries this year (tonsils and sinus). Was diagnosis with mild narcolepsy. Gone out on a couple of dates…nothing panned out. Sleeping mostly, trying to get through day to day. And now you’ve been caught up on my life.

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The day that changed it all

May 25th, 2014 I got up that day, excited to be having pizza and was worried about my puppy because she had been limping really badly. I tried to call you several times, and there wasn’t any answer. I called dad instead to see if he had spoke with you, but he didn’t answer. He called back several hours later stating he was leaving work and that you were probably asleep. He said he was going to bring you down early to look at Anabelle’s back legs. Dad called me back at 1:57p, telling me that him and Mom wouldn’t be coming over. Mom had fallen and the ambulance was on the way. I should have gone down there, I should have knew there was something wrong when you didn’t answer. I called everyone, to let them know what’s going on. Went up to the hospital and sat with you in the ER. You were in so much pain, and crying out for relief. You were having trouble breathing, and eventually they took you for tests. They discovered that you had broken 3 ribs and punctured a lung. They stated they weren’t capable to treating the kind of trauma that…

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Life

It has been awhile since I’ve actually posted an entry. Time has seemed to have gotten away from me, and before I know it, it’s almost the end of September already. I tried out for a position at work and didn’t get it, but it’s alright, because everyone else always comes to me in the office to help them, so maybe next time I’ll get it. I should also mention that I’ve lost about 40 pounds as well, and have a kitty now too! She’s a handful, but I love her! Dan isn’t too happy about her since I just brought her home without him knowing until he got home, but I think he’s getting used to the idea of having her around. I’ve always wanted another Siamese cat since I had Freddie, but they are so expensive to adopt (usually around 120-200 dollars). Ironically my mom found her on Craigslist, and the woman who had her couldn’t afford to feed her anymore. She was pretty upset that she was giving her up, but I’m glad that I found her and got her. Look at the pictures! Anyway, it’s getting kind of late, so I better head to bed! NIGHT!

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Changes to Come

There a lot of changes that are coming this way, including the ability to change themes in wordpress for the visitors, content and of course my blog. I don’t want anyone to think that I’ve left because I’m still here! I have just been working extensively in the background trying to get everything together and all of the content updated and uploaded for visitors enjoyment. I have also added more past entries as well and am still working on getting the most revelant post collection of past entries from myself over several different websites into one central location (Web Archive). Check below for some upcoming themes!

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The Struggle

I feel like I am inadequate as a person and as a woman to exist in this world. I constantly think about ending my life and then the pain would be gone and how much better off everyone else would be without me. I feel like the people who should be supporting me the most and helping me, are the ones who are hurting me the most and driving me further. I have never had a panic attack in my entire life, and I’ve had two, in the last four days. How sad is that? That I can’t even control my own body, can’t even get myself turned on enough to enjoy sex, to laugh, smile, to want to wake up every morning and feel like it’s a good day. I constantly struggle for approval from the only person I think it’s necessary from, and when I feel like I do something wrong, or that I’m a disappointment, I go into dark hole wishing I could make the pain and hurt stop. I feel like our relationship isn’t normal, and can never be normal because we are both sick and both of us need to address the issues we are…

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Birth Control and Side Effects

I have been on many different birth controls (mostly hormonal) and have always had negative effects with them and am still looking for that one that works with me best. Want me to prove it? I have been on: Tri-Sprintec Microgestin AZURETTE ERRIN Jolivette (same as Errin) Copper IUD Ocella And with each one of these, I have some sort of different level of side effects, some of them ranging from mild, some ranging from completely severe. The top side effects that I can’t and will not stand for: Fatigue, the dreaded fatigue where you can’t even function that requires the doctor to give you Ritalin or adder all to counteract the effects. No sex drive! What is the point of birth control if you do not want to have sex? The mood swings, because no one likes to go all “Norman Bates” on everyone every single waking second of every day. And finally the last side effect: weight gain. During the transition from the combination pill to the IUD, I gained 20 pounds. Let you tell you exactly how long the transition was: 3 days. I gained 20 pounds in 3 days. I couldn’t use the rest room, I…

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